Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Dear Partypoker.com

First let me just say that I have really enjoyed our time together. Over the last week we have had such a wonderful and exciting time it hardly seems real. You have taught me things and allowed me to experience so much that I would never have been able discover on my own. You are one hell of a website. I really mean that.

It's just that I don't think that we should see each other any more. Please don't be upset. It's not you, it's me. Really. I know you thought that I would always be there for you and it pains me to have to let you down. I am just not the kind of member you're looking for. I don't bluff, I fold if I don't get two facecards down, and I hardly ever go all in. No, we have to face the facts. I'm just not your type and we're just fooling ourselves trying to pretend that's not true.

I hate to have to break up with you like this but I just can't face you. Hopefully, some day you will realize that this was the best thing for both of us. I will always remember you with fondness. You have given me so much.

Sincerely, Lights in the wake

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Damn you Partypoker.com, damn you to hell

Ok, so I'll be the first to admit that I have an addictive personality. I have always been very fond of games. Board games, card games, computer games, you name it. If I find one that I really like I can and do play it obsesively for hours and hours. So, I should have known that trying online poker was somewhat risky. But try it I did.

It was last Sunday. The Redskins had just blown a particularly aggravating game to the Raiders and I just didn't feel like watching the afternoon games. So I got on the computer and started surfing around looking for something interesting. I have watched the televised poker tournaments and remembered a commercial for a site to play poker for free. Since I have recently become involved with a bi-weekly live poker game I thought it'd be a good idea to practice a little. That was my first mistake.

I downloaded the software and started playing in the free games. At first I was losing pretty good but I started learning a few things and soon I was winning more often than not. They start you out with 1000 pretend chips and after a couple evenings I had it up to 8000. I'm starting to think I'm pretty good at this. I decide that I'll put in some real money and see what happens. This was Wednesday evening after work. Since the following day was Thanksgiving I knew I could stay up late if I liked it. Well, I stayed up really late. And I liked it very much.

I was almost disapointed that Thursday was Thanksgiving since I wanted to play again. But I managed to suppress the urge and had a pretty good time. A couple friends from LA came up for the day. One had just divorced and the other had broken up with his long term girlfriend so neither of them had anywhere to go. There was football to watch, pool to shoot, prime rib to eat, and pie to find room for afterwards. It was a pretty good day.

But as soon as everyone went to bed I got on the poker site and started playing again. I have been playing pretty much nonstop since then. I took a break this morning to watch the Redskins lose another particularly aggravating game. Then I watched the afternoon game in an effort to prove to the game that I can quit any time I want too. But it is calling to me, I am surprised that I managed to hold off long enough to slap this post together. I don't know how long I can resist but I'll try to hang on as long as possible.

So anyway, I hope you all had a good Thanksgiving and I'm sorry I have been neglecting my blogging. I should get tired of it pretty soon and...

What? What was that?...Aww, c'mon, I'm talking to my friends here... It'll only take a couple minutes... But... But... Crap, I gotta go...

Saturday, November 19, 2005

An extended response to THE Michael's post regarding submarines

My father served 18 years in the navy. From 58-69 as a sonarman on various subs. I remember the names of some of them, the George Washington, the Bugara, and the Guardfish. From 69-76 he was in naval intellegence serving as a (I believe he called it) spook. During those times it was difficult since we were never told the name of the subs he was on. He has never talked about what he actually did.
I went on a tour of a sub in Portland, Oregon with him once. The Blueback, I believe it was called. It was featured in the movie "Hunt for Red October". He said he had gone on one tour aboard her. It was very interesting seeing a sub on which he had served. He pointed out were he slept, his work station, were he prefered to sit in the mess hall while playing cribbage. He said that compared to the diesel subs on which he had trained it was very spacious. I doubt I could spend a month or more cooped up in that sucker with a full crew .
In 76 the navy was downsizing and offered him early retirement. He left the navy as a Senior Chief Petty Officer. I have always been very proud of my father for his service to our country. It would have been nice if he were free to talk about the things he did but I understand that he swore not to discuss it and I respect that.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

The attack of the completely indifferent donkey

We had been pursuing the beast for days and were beginning to despair of ever locating it's lair. Of course we knew of the fearsome reputation of this maneater but we were very experienced in this sort of expedition. We were well prepared, having secured the use of a very sophisticated device, similar to a shark cage. It was a metal box mounted on wheels with glass panels inset around the upper portion through which we would be able to make our observations in relative safety. It was equipped with an internal combustion engine to provide locomotive power. It was called a Geo Metro and we knew that if it came down to a confrontation it was all that stood between us and certain death. My assistant, Jim, was getting nervous, if we didn't locate the monster soon our supply of Slim Jims and Gummi Bears would run out and we would be forced to abandon the hunt and return home. Bitter failure was only hours away.

We had gotten desperate and in a last effort had left the safety of the Metro to reconnoiter on foot. The devil must have been watching us and waiting for just this opportunity. As soon as we set foot outside the protective confines of our trusty conveyance the beast was upon us. Who can blame us for overlooking it? It is a master of disguise. Observe how it's natural camouflage blends in with it's surroundings. A crafty beast to be sure, but not quite crafty enough. Luckily for us we were alerted to it's presence by a pebble dislodged by a misplaced hoof. We spun about and found ourselves face to muzzle with the very terror we had been seeking. For a moment we stood there regarding each other. Oh, the horror of it still sends tremors through me. The raw animal fury in it's eye almost payalyzed us both. But we were highly trained professionals and our many hours of rigorous preparation for this expedition overcame our natural fears. Quickly gathering our wits we determined that our only chance at survival was to regain the safety of our beloved Geo. Just as we were about to break and run to our salvation the slavering menace began to amble towards us.



Despite knowing we had only 5 or 10 minutes before the beast traveled the 20 feet between us and began it's indescribably vicious attack we remained calm. We had practiced these maneuvers many times and they were second nature to us now. Yet we were nearly overcome with despair when we discovered that Jim had inexplicably left the small key, with which the outer hatches of the Metro could be opened, inside the vehicle. Fortune took pity on us however, as I had neglected to remove the clothes hanger from my jacket that morning when I put it on. Quickly fashioning an improvised hook on one end I was able to slip the hanger inside one of the glass panels and release the lever which held the hatch tightly closed on my side. Seeing that we were moments from safety the villainous spawn of hell increased it's speed to a blistering shuffle and nearly had us. We only just managed to secure the outer hatches as it made it's final lunge.


Shivering with fright and sweating profusely from our brush with death we nervously observed as the demonic monstrosity sought out some weakness in our defenses. It's fetid breath caused a slight condensation on the glass panel and set us to screaming in stark terror and clutching at each other as if only the confirmed presence of another human soul could assure us that we had not descended into the very pits of the abyss. Soon, much to our relief, the hoofed menace realized it would be unable to penetrate our sanctuary and disappeared once more into the surrounding desert. It is still there today to the best of my knowledge. I never again dared to encroach upon it's territory. My assistant Jim was sorely affected by our encounter and to this day is unable to snap his fingers or use the letter R while speaking. I have also been irrevocably altered by our brush with evil although my symptoms are less obvious and I am loath to describe them here. I will say, however, that I have never since that day removed a clothes hanger from my jacket. It's a tad uncomfortable at times but well worth it for the peace of mind it affords me.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

It's my blog and I can do anything teri does

So last week I posted a poem I had written as a spoof of a post about my blog pal teri's sexual experiences. A couple things have occured to me since then:

1) It might have been in poor taste to turn something as personal as that into a rather raunchy joke. I am tempted to feel bad about this. (I don't of course, but for the sake of this post let's all pretend that I do).

2)Only women ever write the sort of post that teri wrote. I am not sure why this is. Perhaps we tend to assume that women are demure and chaste and they want us to know that ain't so.

So in the interest of fair play and gender equity I have decided to post an account of my own sexual exploits. (Don't worry, this won't take very long).

I have had sex in a bed.

I have had sex in a different bed from the first bed I mentioned.

Um....

Oh, I have had sex in a water bed.

I have had sex in the back of a Ford Festiva. (I was much younger then and flexible).

I have had sex in a large tub with water jets and stuff. Well, it started in the tub but was not really working very well, so it moved to a bed. (A different bed than any of the previously mentioned beds).

I might have had sex on the floor but I'm not sure. I think I did though. Although it might have led to a bed at some point. (Probably the second bed I mentioned).

I have had sex in Maryland, California, Maine, Massachusetts, and on a ship in international waters. Mostly in beds.

I have had sex in a chair and on a couch. Neither of these involved a bed. Although the couch might have been a sleeper, I don't remember. I don't think it counts as a bed though.

The ex stripper neice of my pal Mike once gave me an enthusiastic and thorough lap dance just because she was bored.

I have blindfolded, handcuffed and spanked a woman. (Hey, it was her idea).

I have never had either phone or cyber sex.

I have had several blowjobs while I was driving. It's a delicate matter though and you have to watch out for the truckers. They have a pretty good vantage point.

Hmmm...

Let's see....

Did I mentions beds?

Ok, then, I guess that's it. I might have forgotten some but I think that's a pretty complete list. Looking back on it I realize that a third thing has occured to me.

3)When chicks write about this stuff it's pretty hot. When I write about it... Not so much.

So much for gender equity.

(A note to teri, once again I have to hope you are a good sport about this. I was not making a joke this time but I have pretty much stolen your idea two weeks in a row. My only defense is that I haven't had any original thoughts of my own.)

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

How even something as innocent and good as Dr. Seuss can be twisted to my own sinister purposes

This post is in response to Teri's wonderful post from November 4th. In which she lists many of her most adventurous sexual encounters. As I was reading it I found myself wondering what it would have been like told in a different style. Specifically, I felt it was well suited for a Dr. Seuss "Green eggs and ham" cadence. Well, I couldn't let it go and started to compose this story. If you haven't already seen the post in question check it out first. The link is to your right "No last name". I also feel compelled to point out that this is written from Teri's perspective so don't assume it is indicative of my admittedly limited experience with the subject matter.

This one's for you Teri, I hope you don't mind.



I have had sex in a box
I have had sex up on blocks

I have had sex in my socks
I would have sex with two rocks

I have had sex in the rain
I would have sex with Mark Twain

Even though he's passed away
I'd still fuck him anyway

I have had sex with a monk
Even though he sort of stunk

I would have sex with a moose
If I found one on the loose

I don't think I'd fuck a mouse
Even though they're in my house

But I would fuck several mice
I think they'd be very nice

I would gladly blow a bear
If he'd not cum in my hair

I would have sex with a weasel
But I would not fuck Vin Diesel

I think he'd be really funky
I'd just rather fuck a monkey

He won't have to play the cymbals
Not if he's well hung and nimble

I have had sex on the roof
Yes I did, and I've got proof

I have had sex in the tub
I've had sex behind a shrub

I've gone down on Janet Reno
I just wish that she'd used Beano

I have had sex with a Jew
Fucked him until he turned blue

I have had sex with a Christian
I must admit I liked that mission

Fucked a Mormon, he was iffy
It was over in a jiffy

I have had sex with a Frenchman
His brother, mother, and a henchman

I have had sex in Japan
And of group sex I'm a fan

In a dream I'm in Sumatra
Having sex with Frank Sinatra

Yes I know that he's dead too
Still, I'd do him, wouldn't you

Yes I've sure had sex a lot
If I don't use it, it might rot

I've had sex of many kinds
And I've found that no one minds

So if you should be passing through
Just come on by, I'll fuck you too

But first one rule, now please don't blubber
You're going to have to wear a rubber

Monday, November 07, 2005

Breaking News: Thoughtmaster to wed

I would like to congratulate my ex-wife, Michelle (aka Thoughtmaster) on her recent engagement. Her fiance, Jeff, seems like a cool guy and I believe they will be very good together. I have known Michelle for roughly 15 years and even though our marriage didn't take I count her as one of my closest friends. I'm happy for you Michelle, you done good. I wish you a long and harmonious union. You deserve to be happy.