Thursday, November 17, 2005

The attack of the completely indifferent donkey

We had been pursuing the beast for days and were beginning to despair of ever locating it's lair. Of course we knew of the fearsome reputation of this maneater but we were very experienced in this sort of expedition. We were well prepared, having secured the use of a very sophisticated device, similar to a shark cage. It was a metal box mounted on wheels with glass panels inset around the upper portion through which we would be able to make our observations in relative safety. It was equipped with an internal combustion engine to provide locomotive power. It was called a Geo Metro and we knew that if it came down to a confrontation it was all that stood between us and certain death. My assistant, Jim, was getting nervous, if we didn't locate the monster soon our supply of Slim Jims and Gummi Bears would run out and we would be forced to abandon the hunt and return home. Bitter failure was only hours away.

We had gotten desperate and in a last effort had left the safety of the Metro to reconnoiter on foot. The devil must have been watching us and waiting for just this opportunity. As soon as we set foot outside the protective confines of our trusty conveyance the beast was upon us. Who can blame us for overlooking it? It is a master of disguise. Observe how it's natural camouflage blends in with it's surroundings. A crafty beast to be sure, but not quite crafty enough. Luckily for us we were alerted to it's presence by a pebble dislodged by a misplaced hoof. We spun about and found ourselves face to muzzle with the very terror we had been seeking. For a moment we stood there regarding each other. Oh, the horror of it still sends tremors through me. The raw animal fury in it's eye almost payalyzed us both. But we were highly trained professionals and our many hours of rigorous preparation for this expedition overcame our natural fears. Quickly gathering our wits we determined that our only chance at survival was to regain the safety of our beloved Geo. Just as we were about to break and run to our salvation the slavering menace began to amble towards us.

Despite knowing we had only 5 or 10 minutes before the beast traveled the 20 feet between us and began it's indescribably vicious attack we remained calm. We had practiced these maneuvers many times and they were second nature to us now. Yet we were nearly overcome with despair when we discovered that Jim had inexplicably left the small key, with which the outer hatches of the Metro could be opened, inside the vehicle. Fortune took pity on us however, as I had neglected to remove the clothes hanger from my jacket that morning when I put it on. Quickly fashioning an improvised hook on one end I was able to slip the hanger inside one of the glass panels and release the lever which held the hatch tightly closed on my side. Seeing that we were moments from safety the villainous spawn of hell increased it's speed to a blistering shuffle and nearly had us. We only just managed to secure the outer hatches as it made it's final lunge.

Shivering with fright and sweating profusely from our brush with death we nervously observed as the demonic monstrosity sought out some weakness in our defenses. It's fetid breath caused a slight condensation on the glass panel and set us to screaming in stark terror and clutching at each other as if only the confirmed presence of another human soul could assure us that we had not descended into the very pits of the abyss. Soon, much to our relief, the hoofed menace realized it would be unable to penetrate our sanctuary and disappeared once more into the surrounding desert. It is still there today to the best of my knowledge. I never again dared to encroach upon it's territory. My assistant Jim was sorely affected by our encounter and to this day is unable to snap his fingers or use the letter R while speaking. I have also been irrevocably altered by our brush with evil although my symptoms are less obvious and I am loath to describe them here. I will say, however, that I have never since that day removed a clothes hanger from my jacket. It's a tad uncomfortable at times but well worth it for the peace of mind it affords me.


Blogger The Michael said...

Imagine my delight when cruising through my list of blogs, my ire deepening as I load up repeat after repeat, then hitting the Lights tab and finding this incredible story of fear and mayhem in the desert! There are several bloggers who are amazing me at their ability to take something ho-hum and creating an epic of......ah......epic proportions, and you, Sir, are one of them. I am truly humbled. I can't compete. I feel inadequate. Crap, why do I bother? I feel bad. I'm nauseous. What's that number to the suicide hotline.....hell with it, they only try and reason with you......shit, my phone is out.....I hate you.....sob.....someone help me........

Damn that was a funny post!

6:53 AM  
Blogger Tim ID said...


Much as the mother donkey will turn viscious to protect her young, Mutual of Omaha can help you protect yourself, especially your dignity if you are going to be seen in a Geo Metro.

Nice use of "slathering," too.

8:04 AM  
Anonymous Bitch Goddess said...

Dah'ling you are such a "Jack-ass!"

8:37 AM  
Blogger teri said...

Yes, I think we all look forward to reading a new post. I do have my favorites and enjoy getting into your heads. Your too fuuny lights...

10:24 AM  
Blogger teri said...


10:25 AM  
Blogger shandi said...

I was so scared for you. Could you feel the earth tremble as it lumbered toward you?
Great story lights.

10:32 AM  
Blogger Lights in the wake said...

Michael: I thought it would be a bit more interesting than saying that I saw a donkey on the road on the way to Vegas one time. See what I mean, boring.
Tim: Clever, very clever, I suspected you'd get the Marlon Perkins/Jim the assistant/Mutual of Omaha thing. The Geo Metro was in reality a Ford Festiva. The very same Festiva in which I later had sex. (See previous post). Unfortunately, or not depending on ones perpective, I have no pictures of that encounter. Also, there was no donkey involved.
B-G: Nice, do you kiss your mother with that mouth?
Teri: Thanks, I have been working on it since mid-September. Glad you liked it.
Shandi: Damn, I wish I'd thought of that. Would have been a nice addition. Thanks.

12:35 PM  
Anonymous thoughtmaster said...

Phew, so glad to know I'm not a jackass... (re: sex in the festiva did not involve donkeys).

4:02 AM  

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