Tuesday, November 08, 2005

How even something as innocent and good as Dr. Seuss can be twisted to my own sinister purposes

This post is in response to Teri's wonderful post from November 4th. In which she lists many of her most adventurous sexual encounters. As I was reading it I found myself wondering what it would have been like told in a different style. Specifically, I felt it was well suited for a Dr. Seuss "Green eggs and ham" cadence. Well, I couldn't let it go and started to compose this story. If you haven't already seen the post in question check it out first. The link is to your right "No last name". I also feel compelled to point out that this is written from Teri's perspective so don't assume it is indicative of my admittedly limited experience with the subject matter.

This one's for you Teri, I hope you don't mind.

I have had sex in a box
I have had sex up on blocks

I have had sex in my socks
I would have sex with two rocks

I have had sex in the rain
I would have sex with Mark Twain

Even though he's passed away
I'd still fuck him anyway

I have had sex with a monk
Even though he sort of stunk

I would have sex with a moose
If I found one on the loose

I don't think I'd fuck a mouse
Even though they're in my house

But I would fuck several mice
I think they'd be very nice

I would gladly blow a bear
If he'd not cum in my hair

I would have sex with a weasel
But I would not fuck Vin Diesel

I think he'd be really funky
I'd just rather fuck a monkey

He won't have to play the cymbals
Not if he's well hung and nimble

I have had sex on the roof
Yes I did, and I've got proof

I have had sex in the tub
I've had sex behind a shrub

I've gone down on Janet Reno
I just wish that she'd used Beano

I have had sex with a Jew
Fucked him until he turned blue

I have had sex with a Christian
I must admit I liked that mission

Fucked a Mormon, he was iffy
It was over in a jiffy

I have had sex with a Frenchman
His brother, mother, and a henchman

I have had sex in Japan
And of group sex I'm a fan

In a dream I'm in Sumatra
Having sex with Frank Sinatra

Yes I know that he's dead too
Still, I'd do him, wouldn't you

Yes I've sure had sex a lot
If I don't use it, it might rot

I've had sex of many kinds
And I've found that no one minds

So if you should be passing through
Just come on by, I'll fuck you too

But first one rule, now please don't blubber
You're going to have to wear a rubber


Blogger The Michael said...

Sir, you have produced the most brilliant post ever to have been uploaded to blogger! I, and anyone else who would care to admit it, am humbled in your presence! I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard and long! I hope Teri has the good sense to admit she left herself open to this, because she has inspired a comic masterpiece! Allow me to bow to you, Sir, for I am not worthy! I am not worthy..........

omfg that was funny!

7:27 PM  
Blogger shandi said...

Good God Lights!!!! That's funny as hell. When you get the book deal, can I do the artwork... cos I had several scenarios laid out in my mind... along with the companion pieces.. "Dr. Seuss Kamasutra" and "I Like to Suck Green Eggs out of your Belly Button."

7:38 PM  
Anonymous thoughtmaster said...

Holy shit Pete, that is great!! You always did have a way with words...

Is this where I tell you that it made me kinda horny? Kidding!!!

8:38 PM  
Blogger teri said...

lol... I didn't see it coming, (or is that cuming?) That was too funny. Thanks.

9:55 PM  
Blogger Tim ID said...

Okay, Gunter wants the rights. And the monkey playing cymbals is going to have something to say about this as well.

I'm not sure it will be swell.
But what the hell.
Who can tell.
But I think a book could sell.

11:12 PM  
Blogger Lights in the wake said...

Michael: Thanks, I must admit I am rather proud of it.

Shandi: You know I'd never use anyone else.

Thoughtmaster: I don't think you were kidding, but I'll play along.

Teri: I am glad you liked it. I couldn't have done it without you. I am also glad you have a good sense of humor or I might have been in trouble.

Tim: You may tell Gunter I would be honored. I owe him one after the Pork Chop incident. And if the Mank can't take a joke then I've seriously misjudged him. Besides, I think he came off looking pretty good. Of course, it was fiction...

11:29 PM  
Anonymous Thoughtmaster said...

Well, I have been known to be a little kinky.. I want to share it.... *begs*

10:28 AM  
Blogger Admin said...

What a great blog. Wish there were more like this.

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4:00 AM  
Blogger oldwhitelady said...

Ha ha ha ha ha Loved it!

9:48 PM  

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