Wednesday, November 16, 2005

It's my blog and I can do anything teri does

So last week I posted a poem I had written as a spoof of a post about my blog pal teri's sexual experiences. A couple things have occured to me since then:

1) It might have been in poor taste to turn something as personal as that into a rather raunchy joke. I am tempted to feel bad about this. (I don't of course, but for the sake of this post let's all pretend that I do).

2)Only women ever write the sort of post that teri wrote. I am not sure why this is. Perhaps we tend to assume that women are demure and chaste and they want us to know that ain't so.

So in the interest of fair play and gender equity I have decided to post an account of my own sexual exploits. (Don't worry, this won't take very long).

I have had sex in a bed.

I have had sex in a different bed from the first bed I mentioned.

Um....

Oh, I have had sex in a water bed.

I have had sex in the back of a Ford Festiva. (I was much younger then and flexible).

I have had sex in a large tub with water jets and stuff. Well, it started in the tub but was not really working very well, so it moved to a bed. (A different bed than any of the previously mentioned beds).

I might have had sex on the floor but I'm not sure. I think I did though. Although it might have led to a bed at some point. (Probably the second bed I mentioned).

I have had sex in Maryland, California, Maine, Massachusetts, and on a ship in international waters. Mostly in beds.

I have had sex in a chair and on a couch. Neither of these involved a bed. Although the couch might have been a sleeper, I don't remember. I don't think it counts as a bed though.

The ex stripper neice of my pal Mike once gave me an enthusiastic and thorough lap dance just because she was bored.

I have blindfolded, handcuffed and spanked a woman. (Hey, it was her idea).

I have never had either phone or cyber sex.

I have had several blowjobs while I was driving. It's a delicate matter though and you have to watch out for the truckers. They have a pretty good vantage point.

Hmmm...

Let's see....

Did I mentions beds?

Ok, then, I guess that's it. I might have forgotten some but I think that's a pretty complete list. Looking back on it I realize that a third thing has occured to me.

3)When chicks write about this stuff it's pretty hot. When I write about it... Not so much.

So much for gender equity.

(A note to teri, once again I have to hope you are a good sport about this. I was not making a joke this time but I have pretty much stolen your idea two weeks in a row. My only defense is that I haven't had any original thoughts of my own.)

5 Comments:

Blogger shandi said...

Laughed my f'n ass off this time Lights (oh god... I almost called you Pete). Oh it's not frangelico... it's irish creme this time. Can't spell worth a damn.

Teri and I are still laughing. Don't worry, she can take a joke.

That bed stuff.... too funny!!! You are so adventurous.

11:01 PM  
Blogger teri said...

Okay, get out of that bed....Oh honey what you are missing. I'm glad I've been able to inspire you. I've have fun reading your posts. I wonder if you'll be able to spin off of the next one. hehehe...

11:15 PM  
Anonymous thoughtmaster said...

Sex on beds is good! You don't scar your feet with rug burn. You don't get odd marks from the tiles. You don't realize how old you are when the "porn star moves" don't actually feel good.

There are tons of horribly kinky, deviant, naughty things to be done on beds...

4:03 AM  
Blogger Tim ID said...

Lights,

You've had sex on a bed? What's it like?

See, you have plenty of great material. I agree with the gender thing. I think women write about the exotic stuff to show enlightened they are. Guys are just grateful to have had sex...anywhere.

8:00 AM  
Blogger The Michael said...

Sigh......seems my alter ego has all the fun. I would jump on the bandwagon here except I can't remember where what happened when. I once was asked how many different women I'd slept with and after sitting down with pen and paper and carefully plotting out each and every occurrance, I was utterly shocked, having complained of being relatively deprived and discovering I actually hadn't been. The quality of my escapades must have been so dismal I forgot they even happened. I do remember beds, tho.........

And those plastic patio chairs.......

And automobiles.........

Never mind.......

5:18 PM  

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